Hoping for Better Times
I believe that one should wait till marriage to enjoy the finer aspects of romantic relationship, i.e. sex. I know, this is not a very popular viewpoint and I realize that I am working against the grain of the society I live in. However, as I am about to portray, there are logical reasons to maintain this viewpoint. Now some may tell me that I am naive and even a bit to idealistic. Others may tell me that relationships are meant to be transient, that marriage is unsustainable and often not worth the trouble. I will not argue for the value of marriage in this post. For those of you who do not see the reason for the practice, this article will not convince you of such. I am writing to those who find value in marriage and wish to pursue a vibrant, long-lasting relationship with another individual. And no, this viewpoint is not naive, for there are some who have risen to the occasion and proven that such a commitment can be maintained. I will now delve into the meat of my argument, which will be centered around the notion of the identity of marriage in the mind of the individual and the necessity of waiting until the wedding day to enjoy its benefits.
As humans, we understand the world by processing information that we receive about it. Through this operation, we categorize the objects we are perceiving, assigning identities to them. These identities then allow us to understand the object and give us a framework to comprehending how we should react to it. The coffee shop is a good example. I have always identified these facilities as hot beds of productivity. And because of this categorization, I often find myself at coffee shops during times which require high productivity. I have never been able to accomplish as much as when I am sitting in these shops. Conversely, my home is identified as a place of relaxation. Whenever I get back to my house, my immediate reaction is to lay on the couch and turn on the T.V. Productivity is often impossible within the confines of my home. Now, why am I describing the process of identity formation in a discussion of marriage? Because, as we build relationships, we begin the process of categorizing them, placing various identities unto the relation. The categories we create allow us to understand how to react to each other and give us framework upon where the relationships should go. These identities often develop over time and are tested by experiences that we share with each other. Marriage is a prime example.
Traditionally, marriage was a milestone within a relationship, one that was marked with a new level of intimacy. It included a unique set of experiences like the ability to live together, have sex, and raise a family. Marriage forged a framework through which individuals could encounter each other and through the experiences added by the relationship, helped to define the beauty and value of the commitment. What marriage adds to the life of an individual is directly tied to the way they identify their relationship, and traditionally marriage brought a wealth of valuable encounters which allowed individuals to establish strong relational identities.
A problem is presented in the identity of a marriage when individuals chose to partake in the gifts of the commitment without waiting for the wedding. A marriage is supposed to add these intimate elements into one’s life, ushering in a newness of experience that helps to reidentify the relationship. If individuals chose to live with each other, have sex, and wind up with children before they wed, most of what the marital system introduces is already maintained in the identity of their relationship prior to their wedding day. So, even though their marriage includes these intimate elements, it is not the source of them. In fact, really all that marriage is left to bring is a stronger commitment to the other individual. In all marriages, a higher level of commitment is added. However, to the individuals that chose to partake in the other elements prematurely, the identity of their matrimony is left centered solely on that which it adds, commitment, and to them it eventually becomes a bondage. This is why I think so many marriages fail, because when the times get tough, the sex gets old, and the spouse becomes difficult, one begins to look back to simpler times. They reminisce on the days before they were married, when the sex was great, and they weren’t so strongly committed to anyone. They were “free†to love, or so they thought. The truth is, if you refuse to wait until marriage, you often set your marriage up for failure simply because you center its identity upon the commitment alone, and that commitment eventually becomes bondage, and that bondage eventually “needs†to be escaped.
The strength of a couple who waits till marriage is that their wedding day ushers in not just obligation to each other, but life together, sex, and eventually kids. When these people face troubling times where the sex is no longer fun, and their spouses become difficult, they can look back and see what their marriage added to their life. The identity of their marriage is so much stronger and more vibrant because there are tangible elements that they can reminisce upon. So, when they find it hard to be around each other, and the money is not coming in, and the kids are fighting, and the wife is tired, and the husband fails to listen, and they just can’t seem to fix it, they place their hope not in a life outside of the bondage of marriage, but in a time when their marriage will be strong again, because the identity of their marriage is and always will be marked by the vibrant and beautiful elements it added on their wedding day. And that hope is a powerful tool. Whatever one hopes for, that is what they will fight for and waiting until marriage to partake in the more intimate elements of romantic relationship is the strongest way to ensure that you will fight for yours to live on forever.
