Losing is Finding

"Unfortunately, you didn't make it. I'm so sorry. You should try again next time. It's so easy for you to fade out. You can't shine. Not to be harsh or what, but please take this moment as a chance to improve yourself." 

I failed—

again.

But guess what? I wasn't so surprised anymore. Maybe this is really what I'm good at: failing. 

As soon as she dropped those words, I forced a smile and immediately went out of the room. I was taken aback for the air has turned cold. I paced my way through the dimmed hallway, one stairs after another, then in just a matter of minutes, I was already outside of the building. 

"Perfect." I uttered as I looked up to the starless sky. Where are the stars? Where are they now that I needed them the most? Maybe Coldplay was wrong after all. The stars, they don't really shine for everyone; they only shine for those who are worthy of being shined on and I wasn't one of them.

I stood there for who knows how long. I kept on sighing as it was the only way for me to express my disappointment. If anyone had see me in that state, they would be able to see right through me. In that exact moment, I had nothing but transparency. The walls that I've built were torn down. 

Right then and there, it was pitch black, a starless sky above me, a pale moon looking down on me, and a cold melancholic breeze air seeping through my skin. It's as if the universe was expressing its sympathy towards me. I tried to hold back my tears, but I failed. Two consecutive failures in one night. Bingo.

I lost again, unsure of how to regain myself after such lose, but I wouldn't have it in any other way.

Just as I was contemplating, a realization struck into my head: Maybe the only way to find myself is to lose myself first, and by losing myself means letting go of my idea of self: I am and will always be a failure.

I am a person of shattered low self-esteem. I don't believe in my potentials. I have this preconceived notion that I will never be good enough at anything. Going beyond the boundary of my comfort zone is something I'm frightened of.

I didn't believe in what I was capable of doing and that's why I wasn't so surprised anymore that I didn't get in. I didn't believe in myself and so did they.

Maybe losing myself is the only way to find myself — a self that embodies the principle of self-confidence; a self who isn't afraid anymore of trying out new things; a self whose self-esteem is as sturdy as rock; and more importantly, a self who believes in oneself.

I looked up once again to the starless sky that is above me. The stars were still nowhere to be found. Stars don't shine for everyone; they only shine for those who are worthy of being shined on and I wasn't one of them—

yet.

And maybe just maybe, somewhere sometime, I'd be able to say these words that I never thought I could:

I made it.

Tags: Fear, Pain, Hope, Sad,