A Letter To My Handsome Man

     Test after test after test. Finally those magic lines appeared. Even though it's what we were trying for, I was still in disbelief. Daddy got to see it before I did and I thought he was joking. Mommy even took a test after we confirmed with the doctor. We were so excited. Daddy was for sure you were going to be a girl. I wanted a boy and thankfully we got you Draven. 
     The whole pregnancy you had me and your daddy racing to the bathroom tho throw up. We couldn't hold down anything. It was funny watching your daddy throw up with me. We were both emotional messes too. The only thing mommy could eat was tomatoes, candy, pickles and sometimes hot Cheetos. The heart burn was too bad for that though. 
    You gave as a good scare right at the beginning and mommy had to be on rest for a while, I thought that was the scariest thing I ever went through. But you were fine. We thought we lost you. 
     When we saw you for the first time daddy had to be on video because we had a bright idea to have you during a pandemic. Nothing was stopping us, we wanted a baby. We are both known for being a bit impatient. When we heard your heart beat for the first time your brothers and sister were in the car listening. Im sure me and your dad both cried. We were so impatient wanting to know what you were we did a blood test instead of a usual ultrasound. When we found out you were a boy we were lost for names. I was so excited to start getting you baby clothes though!  The first time we saw you move was one of the funniest thing ever. Mommy has a thing for wacky inflatable arm tube men, you'll know what those are, promise. Well you were in there just wiggling around, just a little jelly as your dad called you. The first time I felt you move was on the road to New Mexico to visit your uncle. It was a flutter and the tears came pouring. It was amazing baby. All the tests were looking good and everything with you was great.
      There was a time when daddy was talking to you and you decided to kick his head three good times. We laughed so hard. You love daddy's voice. Always moving for him. Kicking mommy in the ribs. Your tiny butt had me in so much pain. 
     Close to the third trimester we discovered that your heart wasn't formed like it's supposed to be and we had to do a really scary test right after that news. Your daddy held mommy's hand tight as the stuck this needle in. You were supposed to stay still but being our son you didn't, you wanted to see what it was. Scaring us more, but you were ok. Everything came back negative. Now we had to learn about Ebsteins Anomaly. 
    Appointments increased, but we got to see you more then other parents get to see their babies because they had to check on you. Little boy one of your last ultrasounds we saw your hair flowing, and you looked so much like your older brother! It was so cool watching you develop into your cuteness!
     The day we went to have you I know me and your dad were nervous. We got there way to early, and we waited many hours for you to come. Daddy was making mommy laugh as usual the whole time. 21 hours later you were here.  As you were coming out and I was pushing your daddy said "wanna know what color his hair is?" That still makes me laugh. Coming in with a literally splash. Doctors got fluid all over them! You didn't cry, but instead you cooed. They laid you on me and you looked up with your big eyes at me then over at your daddy. It was amazing. They had to take you to the NICU right after that. We were up there for a few days. You looked so tiny in your Daddy's arms, with all your hair. Finally they let us go with some good news, that you probably wouldn't need surgery for a long time. The relief we felt. 
     At home you were a happy little thing who loved to eat. Such a good baby with a big appetite. You were doing great gaining weight and developing on time. A month after you were born we had to take you to the hospital. Doctors said we shouldn't be so optimistic, we didn't know what to think. They saw that you also had non compaction cardiomyopathy. We were in the PICU for a week. Daddy and I were so scared, crying. But they let you go home after 9 days. That's when you first started heart medication. 
     You took your medicine really good, you love it. Mommy set alarms to make sure you got every dose on time. Good thing mommy does this kind of thing for a living. You've started smiling anytime you heard mommy say "my handsome man" you love being called handsome. The pediatrician was proud of your weight gain, and the cardiologist was trying to prepare us for anything. All the news was scary but I kept a close eye on you. Mommy wouldn't let you out her sight. And if you were, you were literally feet away from me at all times. Not sleeping or eating and carrying you everywhere. 
     Then mommy took you to get your first shots. I thought I was gonna cry with you but your little body has already been poked so many times, I just held your little hand and talked to you. And that same day you started vomiting. I thought it was just the vaccines, so I kept you home till the next day. Then you took a longer nap then usual and vomited again. Mommy couldn't wait another second. So I brought you to the hospital. They were thinking a stomach bug. But after many tests it was your heart. Its functioning had decreased. 
     Now mommy is meeting even more doctors, and learning more about heart transplants. They said we may have to move to a whole new state to get one Draven. I'm scared son. But just like you, mommy is strong. It is June 25th, and I got to feed you again. You are so happy and finally peacefully sleeping. Mommy is sitting here typing this and watching you dream. We have a long road ahead baby boy, but it's all gonna be ok. Mommy loves you my handsome man. 
     

Tags: Love, Hope,